Monday, October 17, 2011
After my last post I thought I might never post again. Because I have started writing every post not really knowing what I was going to write. Then when I finish and go back read what I just wrote I say to God "you really want me to say that to every one?". And so far He keeps saying yes. I am wondering to myself what He is going to ask of me next. Kelley asks me when I am going to post next and I find myself thinking I am not sure I am ready for that yet. Next she says we should video blog and I am thinking in my head noooooooo! There is a slightly greater feeling of anonymity by just writing. To say the things God is moving on my heart on video is even more frightening. But I know at some point it is going to happen. I know it will because I am afraid to do it.
Some people have thanked me for my honesty and transparency. But I am here to remind you that the only reason I am doing it is because God is requiring it of me at the moment as a result of my former deceit and lack of transparency. And I really do hope what I write helps someone. But I know that God is asking me to do it because it will help me overcome the habitual sins of my past. What I want you to know is that what I write is very uncomfortable for me. It has always been important for me to look good in the eyes of others. And to be honest I still feel the compulsion to spin the things that I have done in a way that makes them and me look not quite so bad. But the reality, if I look at it objectively, is that it was really bad. I behaved very badly and I hurt those closest to me and caused suffering on top of great suffering and it was all very unnecessary.
As I seek God and study more and simply look back at myself and my behavior I am convinced of one thing. Porn was not my biggest problem. It was a symptom of a greater problem. Like a deep cough is a symptom of the flu. Although the cough may be the most annoying part of the flu the true danger is what is happening that is not visible on the outside. My biggest problem is pride and selfishness. I can't tell you yet all of the ways it has manifested in my life but the most common is spinning every thing to make myself look good. The other is comparing myself to a religious person and thinking I am better and smarter than they are and more open minded. Thinking that I deserve anything at all. It's not that I think that God doesn't want to bless me. I do. But to think that God owes me anything when I am ungrateful for what He has already given me. That is selfish pride. There are moments when you are at the temptation phase before you have fallen. And you have a choice to run from temptation or step into the sin. Too many times I have willfully chosen poorly. I was fully aware of what I was doing and thinking I don't want to do this yet at the same time wanting to. I had no root in spiritual maturity. I had too much me and not enough God so I had no power to say no to the temptation. But there was a part of me that didn't want to say no. And that is because in my flesh I was prideful and selfish. Were there evil spiritual influences? Yes. But it was also the worldly part of me that was so easily influenced. That is the part that must die. We must crucify the prideful self. It must become less and Christ must become more.
Let me ask you a simple question. Would you give up a vacation just because God asked you too? No reason, but just because He asked. Would you give up tv for a year? What about air conditioning for a month? Could you do it without complaining about it? I couldn't. And I am not sure I could now. But I know there are people suffering in this area in a way I can't even comprehend. If the things above were the greatest problems in their life it would be 1000 times better than it is now for them. So pray for me. That I would always be grateful. That I would be more interested in compassion for others than comfort for myself. That my selfish pride would be stripped from me forever. I will do it for you.
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