Friday, October 28, 2011
When I started this blog, after it became more than a place to update family and friends, I knew I was just going to be myself. As I usually don't care too much what other people think anyway. I wanted to be raw, real, frank, honest, open, anything the holy spirit lead me to say is all I wanted to say. I take this blog VERY seriously. I don't just randomly post things. I give it much thought and a lot of prayer. Sometimes it takes me a few days to write because I won't write unless I feel like God has released me to do so.
Like I said on the video, this might not be the blog for some people. If so, that is fine. Had I not faced cancer as well as almost losing my own life in less than a 12 month period, I don't think it would be near as easy to be obedient to what God is calling me to do. After I posted my video I indeed heard from quite a few people which was very encouraging. But we all know how the enemy works. I started questioning myself. The enemy started whispering in my ear "You are just Kelley McElreath, who do you think you are", "You cannot fight something as big as pornography", You are fighting a losing battle". Deryl helped me to see that I am not in this for the opinions of man, for any accolades, to be patted on the back by anyone, but to be obedient to God. I realize that there are going to be many who do not like me nor my message. Especially the men who are currently involved in this sin and aren't about to give it up.
Last year, I always tried to be positive and encouraging but then there were the days that I just had to tell it like it is. I never want to sugar coat things. I never want you to think I am just this amazing woman who knows how to respond perfectly and never react and am just some incredible Christian. I am far from those things. I am just like you. Please don't ever put me on any pedestal because I will surely let you down.
Today, I want to just be very frank and talk to the ladies who have been hurt by the shrapnel of pornography. You know, the thing that is viewed as "No bid deal", "Not really hurting anyone", etc. I try to keep my head up and be positive and focus on the miracles God has done in my marriage and in Deryl. But let me tell you, there are days. There are days the pain is too great for me. There are days I am in utter despair bawling my eyes out from the pain. This was me yesterday and right now as I write this. Everything within me wants to reach through this screen and give you a big fat hug. The other part wants you to be able to do the same for me.
Unless you are a woman and have experienced this first hand, I am not sure you can really grasp the depths of the pain in a woman's heart after this devastation. Sometimes I think it might have been easier if Deryl would have just had an affair. You know, with one person. At times when the emotions are just totally overwhelming and the memories come flooding in so fast I cannot possibly keep up with them, it is almost too much to carry. In these moments like this moment, all I can do is get my fingers moving on my blog. Sometimes I just repeat the name Jesus over and over and over. Nothing else, just "Jesus".
So many thoughts flood my mind. I feel pain deep within me similar to when I lost my son and my mother. It is indeed a very deep pain. A pain that hurts. A pain that feels terrible. A pain that cannot be put into words and described. When in this place, I wonder to myself how many people he has watched have sex. I wonder how many naked women he has seen. I wonder how many number of women he has chatted with on the computer and if he can even count that high. I wonder just how many have chatted with him on the phone. I wonder if he is telling the truth that he has not had an affair with an actual person. I wonder if I will ever in my life be able to trust in him again. I wonder how long it will be before the time comes when I don't think about what he has done every time we make love. I wonder if there is an end to these tears falling down my face as I type. I wonder if this pain could possibly get any worse. I wonder if this labor will ever end. I wonder if I will ever get over this, I wonder if I will ever be the same. I wonder how I am going to help anyone being such a crying mess right now. I wonder how many times a day he is thinking about someone else. I wonder how he could have done this to me in the worst time of my entire life. I wonder if I can ever, ever compare to the women he has viewed. I WONDER, I WONDER, I WONDER.
You know, there have been many times in my life where I have had a real childlike faith. And each and every single time that I have had that kind of faith, the thing I was believing for did not happen. So the enemy has made me question those things for years. So of course when God put the visions in me that I talked about in my video I wondered if this was going to be another one of those times. I discussed all of this with Deryl. He went to work shortly after and text me to tell me I needed to read Oswald Chambers for that day. Here is what Oswald said at the ending of that days entry...
"When looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say - What wonderfully astute wisdom they had! How perfectly they understood all God wanted! The astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God's wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God."
I have a devotional that a dear friend gave to me when I was diagnosed. On October 11th of this year, I opened it and have not moved one day beyond it since. Because I know it is something God wants me to claim daily right now. This is that devotion...
THE FRONT LINE
You are not called to follow others, My beloved Warrior. I have appointed you to lead them to Me. Life will become a great adventure if you will step out to the front line and fight for those who are too weak to fight for themselves. Don't look back on what you have lost; look forward to the great victories that are in front of you. You don't have to hide behind your fears and insecurities any longer. I can and will turn your pain into passion to change the world around you. As you find your way to the front line, hide this truth in your heart: "This fight is not just for you; it is for all those you love dearly."
And you know, I can truly say I love all of you with all of my heart. Even those I do not know. I may not know you but I can sure relate to your pain. That, we have in common. I know this post might not be one of my most encouraging posts but this is the reality of the devastation pornography brings to a persons life. And this is only one small piece. We haven't even begun to touch how it affects the rest of the family, friends or the man himself, his job and his health.
I guess I just want to end with this...sometimes all we can do is just cry out to Jesus. Sometimes, all we can do is just whisper his name. Sometimes God will give us encouragement through his word or through a simple devotion. Whatever he gives you, grab onto it and don't let go. Because that is what will see you through.
Please continue to pray for us. I ask you to pray that God heals me of this great pain. That through my pain, HE will be made greater and I will become less. I appreciate your faithfulness to pray for my family.
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