Its not all about me? 10-28-11

Friday, October 28, 2011

Deryl says...

Kelley asked me if she could publish the last post. I really appreciated the fact that she asked me. She knows where I am and that I would most likely say yes but it meant something to me that she even bothered to ask. What that tells me is that she cares. And that means more than you could possibly know. She could have easily justified in her own mind publishing all of this without my consent and I would have a hard time arguing.
When you are stuck in habitual sin you grow incredibly selfish and hard hearted very quickly. I am not proud of what I have done this year but what I also know is that it wasn't really me that did all of that. It is a hard concept to explain. If you read chapters 6,7, and 8 in Romans you will get an idea of what I am talking about. But I had become so selfish all I could think about was what about me? What about what I want? I deserve more than I have. All I could see was that others were holding me back or trying to make me feel bad for wanting more. On the surface that might even sound noble, wanting more I mean. But there is a very big problem with this mindset. It narrows your perspective and makes you close minded. You begin to only be able to see from your own point of view. And when you get to that place you can become very mean and cruel. I will give you an example from my own life.

There were several times during this year where Kelley and I were upset with each other. Kelley would be trying to explain how hurt she was and I would get cold and completely shut down. I would think she was just trying to make me feel bad for what I have done. So I would sit there and listen to her and watch her cry and say nothing. I would offer no comfort. All I could do was see what she was trying to do to me. So here is my wife who endured cancer last year. Found out I was looking at pornography after having her breasts removed. Was crying in front of me in obvious emotional pain and all I could do was think about how she was trying to punish me and make me feel bad. As I write this to you and think about what that guy did to my wife I want to punch him in the face. But it is my face and it was my failure. And that is the danger of selfish pride. It will make you into the biggest jerk and most unpleasant person in the world and you will think the problem is with everyone else and not yourself. No matter how many others confront you. It makes you a master deceiver. Not only to others but to your own self as well. "This one time won't hurt.", "Lord, I won't ever do this again.", or "Everyone does it every once in a while." are the lies we tell ourselves to justify our behavior.
To my brothers out there who think that watching porn every once in a while is no big deal. Or thinks that they don't have a problem with it because they only watch it occasionally I would say....You are absolutely right. Your problem is not porn. It is selfish pride. You want what you want. You may think why should I miss out when everyone else is doing it. Again selfish pride. My friend no one owes you anything. You are not as wonderful as you think you are. You have no idea how you are hurting others and yourself. And you don't care because you can't see from another persons perspective. I know this because I have witnessed all of this ugliness in myself. And I ran from it as fast as I could by trying to make myself feel better through many unwise actions.

Kelley's last post is the result of my blindness to the pain of others. There have been many miracles through this but there is still an aftermath of pain and mistrust. And I must accept it. I must allow God to use it to grow me. To help me be less self centered. When I stopped looking at what I was capable of or incapable of I began to see what God wanted me to do I regained hope for the future. Because if this all depended on my skill and ability our relationship would fail miserably.

So my prayer for all of you is that God would strip away all of your selfish pride. It will truly change your life in so many beneficial ways you couldn't count them. I thank God that I am learning all of this while I still have my family with me. I hope you do too.