Hope for today! 10-4-11

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Kelley says.......

Well, it looks like for now I might be posting more than Deryl! I have SO much to say. I wish instead of a series of blogs over a period of time that I could just type until the whole story is out!! I am so on fire, so full of passion, so astounded by what all God has done in my life and how he continues to amaze me every day. I am amazed at his omnipotence, his wonder, his glory, his love for his people and so much more!!

Last year, December 2010, I blogged about "Joy". God let me experience about a week long of total and complete indescribable joy. The "Joy unspeakable" that is talked about in the word. I remember that I was so joyful, not happy.....not even close.....but truly JOYFUL that no one could make me upset.....no one!! It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. So obviously when "you know what" hit the fan this year, I wondered why would God let me experience that for only a short time. During this time I realized that I had never once in my life ever before experienced anything other than moments of happiness. I realized that I had NEVER before knew what JOY was really like. It was light, fun, free, open and many other words I could use to describe it. It was like nothing I had ever felt before.

I realize now that I had to have that so that I would know it was even available to me. I had to have that to have something to hope for. I am so fired up right now and I know you can tell just through my posts. But it took many months of suffering to arrive at this place. Going through and fighting cancer was a cake walk in comparison to the things I have been through this year. Having been abandoned completely by my own husband and people in my life that I thought were my very dearest friends doesn't even begin to explain the suffering I have endured. I take absolutely NO credit for what God has done in me and how free I am right now. Yes, I have put many disciplines in place that over time I will share with you so you too know how you can overcome. But God is faithful. GOD did this. The compassion I feel and the complete love I feel for Deryl today can only be a miracle from God!! I am walking in complete forgiveness and that is only by God's wonderful grace and mercy. There is absolutely NO WAY a woman who has walked my journey could walk in complete love and forgiveness for her spouse after what has taken place without there being an awesome, amazing, ONE TRUE GOD to do it in her!! I can't even begin to tell you how many private conversations I have had with God asking him why the magnitude of this suffering? Why God, Why? How can one person endure this? Back to back major events, how will I ever get through it....WILL I even get through it? I know that the answer is because God wants to offer YOU hope. If you know what all I have been through and here I am shouting praises to God and am more in love with God and my husband than I ever have been before at this moment then you surely know there is hope for YOUR situation!!!!

Make no mistake, I do not trust Deryl one iota right now. But guess what? I trust my God with everything that is within me!! The thought crossed my mind yesterday that what if we start a ministry to expose pornography and it becomes HUGE....what if we become famous authors and life is wonderful....then say 10 years from now I find out Deryl is right back at this same place.....worse off than ever before and back to being full of lies and deceit? Well, I would have to ask myself some very important questions. How many people have we led to the Lord? How many wives have had their broken heart mended by the Lord? How many men have become awesome COURAGEOUS men? How many marriages have remained intact and are flourishing? How many children will never have to experience divorce because their parents have broken the generational curse of divorce over their lives? If that answer is one.....then it will have all been worth every minute and every tear!

I NEVER, EVER, EVER want to appear self-righteous in any way. I never want to build myself up to you. I want to become less and less so he will become more and more in me.The less there is of ME, the more there is of HIM that comes through me to YOU. Never put someone on a pedestal. Because you yourself will most likely be the one to knock them right off of it. Someone told me the other day that they wish they could be as strong as me. My IMMEDIATE response was that she should take those words back because she has NO idea what she is asking for. I wouldn't wish what I have been through in my life on my worst enemy.

When you see someone you want to be like, ask yourself how much do you "really" want to be like them. Do you want to travel the road they have traveled to get what they have? You might quickly change your mind. Since my post "Are you a Power House?" the e-mails are starting to come in. I got one this morning that was truly a special gift from God to me. What a wonderful way to start my morning. To be able to start reading how everything God is speaking through me is right on target and is bringing hope to others thrills me to pieces!! Oh how I wish I would have had someone who could have mentored me and spoke things into my own life. But, I guess at that time I probably wouldn't have received it anyway. But I do know that God has put certain ones in my life that I KNOW he specifically placed there just for me. All of these ladies are very different from one another. And I love them all so very much. I am SO, SO grateful for them.

When it comes to pornography, I am realizing through my experience that this is one of those things that you will be unable to pray for and experience breakthrough by yourself. Here are two scriptures the Lord gave me about this.

1. Mark 9:29 He said to them, “This sort cannot come out by anything except by fasting and by prayer.”
2. Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst of them"

 I have also come to know that even when you think your situation is completely hopeless, when everyone seems to turn their back on you, when the world lets you down, if you will get on your knees before God he WILL come through for you in His perfect timing. And that no matter what you are enduring he is actually being gracious to you. You have NO idea what terrible things God has shielded you from even if what you are currently going through seems like the most terrible thing you are going through! You have to decide for yourself are you going to put your faith in God or not? If you don't know the answer to that than you should truly start seeking answers for yourself.

I think I will stop for now. I only want to say what I feel God is wanting me to say...nothing less, nothing more. There are several times throughout a post where I type something, read over it then go delete it. I think this is just God's prompting and wisdom. I want to offer you hope. It is truly my one desire. I can't say it enough, when things look externally like your world is crashing down right in front of you, if you seek God, pray, worship and praise HIM, he will not disappoint. It doesn't matter what is going on externally. What matters is what a very personal God is doing INTERNALLY. What he is doing internally is eternal. What is happening externally is only temporary. Keep reminding yourself of that and hold onto your seat.....THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!!