Beauty for Ashes

He says...

Trying to move forward from the type of devastation our marriage has endured can be a real challenge. The consequences of your actions are displayed before you quite often. Then come the accusing thoughts that try to cause hopelessness. Then there is the rest of life that doesn't stop just because you don't feel "on top of your game". You battle with wanting to forget the person you were before or perhaps remembering just enough to remind your self to be grateful today versus seeing the ugliness of what you have done and internalizing it to the point you feel you can't possibly be worth anything to anyone ever again.

The feelings range from hopeful to hopeless, grateful to angry, joyful to painful, and many more. You wonder "Will I ever be able to let go of what I have done?, Will they be able to let go of what I have done?", Will this haunt me for the rest of my life?, Don't I deserve it to haunt me for the rest of my life?", and the list goes on and on.

Then there are the prayers that I offer up to heal my marriage. When there is a set back I wonder if God is really going to answer any of my prayers because of what I have done. As you can see there is quite the mental battle going on in my head. And that is just my mental battles. Then think about the battles my wife must go through and add it to mine and you think how does anyone ever recover from this?

But there are shining light moments as well when you all of a sudden understand something you never did before. You might awaken to a habit that unintentionally caused someone else pain or fear. Then you have the power to change it. I wish I could say I have changed everything that I am aware of but I think it might take a long time to change all the habits I want to change.

The big question in my mind is always "are we making progress?" And the answer is usually "yes we are." We do have setbacks and we both process and deal with our emotions quite differently. But we do love each other immensely and we both say it to each other all the time. Men and women communicate very differently and it can become especially challenging when dealing with very sensitive issues. Men think and communicate logically and women think and communicate emotionally. The challenge for men is to forget logic and try to hear the emotions being communicated. The inclination is to say just do this, that and the other, and move on. Marriage can be difficult at times but it is worth all of the difficulty. My wife is worth all of the difficulty. By difficulty I mean wading the emotional waters that we men generally tend to avoid at all costs. This difficulty "came to pass". And it will pass.God will heal and give us beauty for ashes. I am grateful today for that.