Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Kelley showed me a video yesterday. Almost 5 years ago she threw me a surprise party for my 40th birthday and recorded much of the party. Many of my friends and family stood and said very nice things about me. As I watched person after person talk I began to cry. I realized at that moment how blessed I have been all of my life. Even before I was a believer I was blessed. I have always had good friends I could trust. I have always had a family that loved me. Were they perfect? Of course not. We all have things we have to overcome from our upbringing. But I was never abused or homeless or went hungry. I had parents that freely said "I love you" and would hug and kiss me all of my life. I have a large extended family that I love and loves me. And now I have the perfect wife for me. She is not perfect herself but she is perfect for me. I am truly blessed.
I have been learning so much in such a short period of time. God is so gracious and good. I want to talk about something that God revealed to me in the last few days. This was a fallacy in my thinking that I didn't even know existed until God changed it for me.
The first false thought was that I am only lovable if I have something to offer. In other words I must be able to provide some benefit to you to be worthy of love and if I can no longer provide that benefit I am no longer worthy of love. The second is that in an intimate relationship I am only lovable and worthy if I am a good lover. I had no idea that I had love and performance so intertwined. Even more so in intimate relationships. I had equated sex and love. Therefore sexual performance was a measure of how lovable I was. Like many men I have struggled with ED (yes I am talking about THAT ED) which made me feel like I was less of a man. It was very painful and shameful to me. And the sad thing is that I was not sure where it came from at the time. Looking back I know that it was the result of sinful behavior but at that time I didn't know. Of course, Kelley thought it was her. And it was impossible to convince her otherwise at the time. Then there was the pressure of the next time. If it happens again she is going to think that I don't find her attractive. My problem started because of sinful behavior but that was not always the source of the problem. Many times it was simply the anxiety of what will she think if it happens again. Some people may think I am crazy for making this public and maybe I am. But Viagra isn't the number one prescribed medication in the world because of me alone. I want to help men and women begin to talk about what is really going on. Because this issue is not merely physical. I believe that as men we have been programmed to think about sex and our sexuality all wrong and we don't even know it.
Our culture celebrates the Don Juan type of man that keeps many lovers. This type is revered as a man's man. He is envied by many men who wish to be like him. But ask the women he has left behind. How many of them feel valued? How many of them feel truly loved? And if you ask him to search his heart and ask him if he is truly happy, I can guarantee you that he is not. Because there is nothing in this world that can truly satisfy our deepest longings. It is only the love of God through others or directly that ever truly satisfies. I no longer have sex with my wife. We make love together. This may sound silly or cheesy to you. But I assure you it is not. It is something I pray every married couple experiences together. Because if they do there will be a lot more happy marriages and a lot less divorce.
I hope that this helps someone. I hope this starts a conversation between husbands and wives. And I hope you let us know if it has had a positive effect somehow. I am both fearful and grateful to share my life with you. I hope God uses our story to bring hope and freedom to someone.
0 comments:
Post a Comment