What I must change...

I spent the last week catching up listening to all the Joyce Meyer messages I was behind on. She talked a lot about being offended and defensive. Growing up, my mom drilled into me that if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. So, that is what I grew up doing, standing up for myself. It is a lesson I am glad she taught me but there is a time to defend yourself and a time to just shut up. I'm only just now learning this.

The other day someone in authority looked at me with such disappointment in their eyes over something I knew I did not do. This was something very minor but the feeling that came flooding into my chest were huge. It was in that moment that I realized this had nothing at all to do with the other person but EVERYTHING to do with ME. The fact that my own father NEVER once told me I was good at anything, never encouraged me in any way whatsoever, never once told me he was proud of me. And that is only the beginning. But when I grabbed hold of this revelation, it took all the "perception" I had about the other person away. Even all the pressure I put on myself subsided.

I have concluded that when other people cause such strong emotion to rise up within ourselves it is only revealing what is already inside of us. God is at work trying to grow us. But most often we get defensive or offended and miss what God is trying to do. I have no idea what all God will continue to show me but I know I've hit on something big. I believe we will go around and around and around the same mountain until we "get it". Well, I think I finally "get" this one. I know it is a breakthrough that will lead to many other breakthroughs.

This happened because I started asking God to reveal what "I" need to change, how can "I" get better. Who cares how much other people or your spouse need to change? We can't change them anyhow. But I can change myself. But I cannot do it without God's help.

On another note, is it me or do you ever just think to yourself that you just DON'T understand or get certain things that happen in your life? I don't think I'm the type of person to feel sorry for myself but sometimes I have to admit it is just like..."Come on already"......"Can I just catch a break" Do you ever feel this way? It's hard not to look at other people's lives that post daily on Facebook how absolutely wonderful their life is and think well, what in the heck is wrong with my life. Let's just be real. For a lot of people, Facebook is like their daily press release that they post themselves. They put their best out there competing with all the other fakers that life is perfect. What you see is just what you get with me. My life is FAR from perfect.....for that matter I am very, very far from perfect. But I am a work in progress. Anyway, I have found that just about the time I am ready to give it all up, God comes rushing in with His love, grace and mercy just in the nick of time.

Is that you? Are you questioning something going on in your life and sometimes you just secretly want to throw in the towel? Well, hang in there just a while longer. And ask God, what is he wanting YOU to change in all of this. I know sometimes Christians can say the dumbest things when we go through hard times. You know, like...

• God is bigger than this
• You must have done "something" in your past for this to have happened
• God's going to do something really big through this
• Don't worry, you'll have another one (after losing a child)
• They're only boobs (yeah, that's easy to say when they aren't YOURS)
• This is just God's will
• The rain falls on the just and the unjust

This list could go on and on! I'm sure you have a lot of your own that you are thinking of in your head right now! Sometimes the things we say to comfort others aren't really for them, it is for us. So we can feel like we've done something to help the other person. Sometimes, what we say is true but not what the person needs to hear at the time. SOMETIMES we just want someone to say "This just sucks and I don't understand it either!". I guess what I am trying to say is that when someone we know is going through something, sometimes we just need to confess to the person that we don't know what to say or do but we sure can pray to the one who does. And then just listen. That is really all people want anyway, just to know that someone out there cares about what they are going through.

I wrote this blog for a particular friend and I want you to know that I do care and I know what you are going through SUCKS! I don't know what to do or say because I don't understand it either but you have my word that I can do the only thing I know for sure how to do and that is to pray for a miracle and then wait and watch God work. Thinking of you and your family today!

Inquiring minds want to know...

Well, I guess after several questions as to if we are still "okay" I should probably blog. I wish I had more time to blog. Keeping up with two blogs, a ministry and a full time job and a family is a lot! All that while trying to "work" on your marriage is hard. Seriously hard.

I haven't blogged honestly because I have been in too much emotional pain to do so. The effects of what happened to me 2010 - 2011 had a much greater impact than anyone will ever know. EVER. EVER. EVER. It is sad to me to think of how many other survivors are going through the same thing. So traumatic. So....life altering. But yet when I imagine what other guys think of my husband for what he did, I imagine that they justify their own "addiction" by saying to themselves "well I would NEVER do THAT to my wife". Hmmmm.....I wonder how many just read that and have thought the exact same things. Interesting thought.

I'm doing better. I can't even begin to describe how awesome our counselor is. Just....AWESOME. He like lives inside my head and my spouses as well. He knows exactly what both of us are thinking about any given situation. My big brother is THE only man in my entire life that has not let me down BIG. I've had someone who I honestly considered a very good friend walk totally out of my life and never speak to me AGAIN. Not even talk to me about the situation....not even once. Totally abandoned me and our friendship. Yeah, obviously, I am still not over it.

I can't really say a whole lot as to why the hubs isn't blogging. Just trying to work out stuff I guess. I know he wants to be much further on the other side of this before he tries to help anyone else. Which I completely get. I mean someone who was paying for prostitutes just three months ago actually wanted to help us. I'm sure you can all imagine my reaction. Especially those of you who know me personally!! Yeah, NOT GOOD.So I get it. I do. He'll blog when he is ready and that is fine by me.

But you know me...I have a LOT on my heart. And I KNOW God wants me to share it. With all the tragedies that have happened in my life, I have not one time given up on God. Not once. I get angry with God and I tell him all about it. But I would never turn my back on him. I'll serve God until the day I die. Anyone who knows me knows this is how I feel. I also know that somehow and some way, I will be the beginning to the ending of pornography. I know that wasn't just a thought in my head. I serve a great BIG GOD and I have no idea what he has in store for my life. NONE. But I know it can't be to harm me. It may just be me and my rambling and my heart for others that sparks someone else to make a huge difference. Regardless, I will for sure make a difference and I'll live my life continuing to do so.

But here is the funny thing...within the past 3- 4 months, three different people have come to me who are actually questioning THEIR faith because of MY story. HUH???? Well, I can honestly say I never expected that one!! They all said the same thing to me and mind you not one of them knows the other. They said they look at my life and how I have consistently served God and always call on him and trust in him yet look at what he has obviously "allowed" to happen to me....his faithful servant and they just don't get it. I agree that God has allowed all of it. Because nothing happens to me without it passing through his hands first.

I was asked since I love God so incredibly much if I ever felt like he ever loved me back. WOW! I immediately answered that no, I don't always feel loved back. Sometimes I don't even "feel" like he is there at all. Then came the question..."You have been so faithful to God, how has he been faithful to YOU!?!? I actually sat in silence for a minute as something HUGE rose on the inside of me. I sat up tall and I started listing right and left all the amazing ways God has been so faithful to me. As each thing came back to my memory I could hear myself getting a little louder and more confident and oh how I felt God's love at that moment. I felt more loved by God than I have felt in a long, long time. And this particular person actually said that because of that conversation, it gave them hope.

Isn't that awesome? God can turn ANYTHING he chooses around for good and he WILL. I believe it. I have to.

Who's your healer?

She says....

Let's just be honest, okay? Is God REALLY your healer? I mean, if we really thought HE was our healer, why would we even have to go up for prayer or fill out a prayer request or get on a prayer chain. If we really and truly thought HE was our healer wouldn't we just stand on his word and proclaim it? It wouldn't take some pastor or lay person, right?

But in most cases, I believe, we look to man. We go to the pastor or someone who in "our" eyes "fits the bill". They are "good enough" or "spiritual enough". In our eyes they are righteous. So we turn to them, really borrowing THEIR faith for OUR miracle. It is my opinion that we do this to our spouses non-stop.

You might be wondering where all this came from. Well, as my husband and I walk out our journey of healing, I realize that I am guilty of doing this. Rather than turn to the Lord, I turn to him. I mean, he has skin on, know what I mean? I can look him in the eye, he can show me emotion, he can make me feel good or bad. And in these moments, I lose complete sight of God.

I KNOW I am not alone in this. Have YOU ever gone to your husband and poured your soul out to him with tears streaming down your face as you tell how hurt you are? Then he says all the "right things" and you just have those reassurances that you need to get through one more day. This all feels wonderful, I myself well know. But I have come to realize that each and every single time, my husband falls WAY short. Because he CANNOT meet my needs. He can meet some of them but on a spiritual level it is impossible. When I get all caught up in HIM meeting my needs and him showing me love and comfort, I will be disappointed each and every single time.

Somewhere along the line, I started looking to him rather than to God. Somehow, I stopped surrendering my husband to God. I stopped surrendering EVERYTHING to God. I think it is CRUCIAL that we learn to look to God to comfort us. Our spouse cannot fill this need. Oh maybe temporarily, maybe in some small ways. But as long as we look to our spouse to discover who we really are we will be let down.

We must turn to God. We must surrender all to him. We must get on track and stop making our spouses accountable for our right behavior. When we do this, I believe God will be SO very faithful in showing us how much HE loves and cares for us. I believe he will show us clearly what to do according to HIS word. Then, we can rest in him. Surrender your ALL to him. Stop making your spouse meet all your needs and let your heavenly father meet them. I promise, your marriage will turn around the moment you start to do this!!!!

When despair becomes desperation

She says...

Despair. Desperation. Do these words have the same meaning? Let's look at their definitions.

1. Despair - to lose all hope or confidence 
2. Desperation - to surrender to despair

Throughout the past year or so I have had many days where I have been very weary and full of despair. I never lost confidence in God but I lost most of my confidence in my husband, my marriage, and myself. Despair is a terrible place to be in physically and emotionally. I look back over my life and see when there have indeed been other times where I have felt despair for brief moments. But nothing like last year.

Despair is much different than feeling sad, depressed, grieving, hurting, or just upset. Despair is to feel like there is no hope in your situation. You continue to focus on all the reasons why there is no hope. It builds up until you can't see any way out. If we stay caught up in despair, we will eventually become depressed.

In my own life I seem to get closest to God, grow the deepest in Him, feel SO loved by Him, SO close to him when my despair becomes desperation. I know that might sound strange but it is so true for me and I think many others. When I am losing all hope that is when I fall to my knees in complete desperation. That is when I seek God the most.

This healing process is a long one as I am sure you can only imagine. I have had days where I think I am mentally scarred forever. That the old me will never return. I have thought to myself that my heart is scarred like my breasts and I will never ever be the same. I talk to God and tell him all of this. The other day as I was having my quiet time and having this discussion with Him and I saw in my mind in great big letters as if on a white wall that said "SURRENDER". I knew what God was asking of me. He wanted me to surrender ALL to him. My thoughts, my fears, my marriage, my concerns, my doubts, my husband, my children, my ALL.

It would take several posts to tell you the awesome things that has happened since I started to truly surrender ALL to Him. I thought it was pretty interesting when I looked up the definition of desperation and found that it said "to surrender" to despair. We are, or at least I know I am, SO guilty of thinking I can handle my life on my own. You know, like when we say "Well, all we can do now is pray". When that is what we should have started out with. I myself have said to God that if He could just take care of this "one little thing". Like I could actually handle the others myself.

God wants us to surrender. What if you were to surrender? What would that look like for you? Here is the definition of surrender.

SURRENDER - to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand 

I don't know if you know the old hymn "I surrender all" or not but it is truly a lovely song and I think you will feel the same if you hear it. I hope you will consider surrendering...yielding to God's power. Let him take care of you like he longs to do. I want to leave you with the lyrics to the song. 

I Surrender All

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • Refrain:
     I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

"Joy comes with the MOURNING"

I was reading Psalms yesterday in the NLT where it says "Joy comes WITH the morning.

I thought to myself in my own life that joy has come with MOURNING. That is always when I break totally through. I kept reading the chapter and sure enough David goes on to say in verse 11 - 12...You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever!

So, I think David saw it the same way. I'm going to write another post soon about "When despair becomes desperation"

I think of all the things we go through in life and sometimes it can be so much and so overwhelming that we only "mourn" or deal with things that are either so small they are the ones we "think" we can handle on our own or they are so big we are forced to deal with them whether we want to or not.

You notice how I didn't even mention God once? I don't know if this just only happens to me but sometimes my problems can seem so big and so overwhelming that I spend all my time analyzing and over analyzing every situation to see how "I" can handle it and deal with it. Then before I know it my despair has become desperation.

But I truly believe that each and every time that is where I truly find God and grow exponentially! Think today about just one thing you are holding onto. I believe this will come quickly to your mind. Ask God to show you how to give yourself permission to truly mourn over it. I believe with all my heart no matter how big or how small that joy WILL come for you!!

What are YOU missing in your relationships?

She says...

I have about a 20 minute drive to my job every day. I always go the same way. During the warmer months when the trees were still so pretty I would just be in awe of what I got to look at each and every day on the way to work and all the way home. But without fail, at least a couple of times every week, I will see something on my way in and wonder to myself "Have I seen that before? Maybe I have missed my turn?" Inevitably every time I have indeed NOT missed my turn I just really haven't ever noticed whatever it was before that day. I have been working there over four months and I just can't believe the things I have never even paid attention to.

I have spent this week pondering all these things. Yesterday on my way home, I was thinking about all of this and I noticed all the signs that I never noticed were there too. I really felt lead on the way there and on the way home to not have any music or preaching on and just be still and listen for anything the Lord might speak to me. I didn't really feel anything on the way in but on the way home when I noticed all these signs such as a curve up ahead, or an intersection coming up, or the name of a street, etc and I felt God ask me a question. "How many things have you missed all these years in your relationship with your kid's, your spouse, your siblings, with ME?"

Whoa! I kept repeating the question to myself in utter disbelief. I tried to defend myself in my mind and it didn't do any good. I realized I have missed SO, SO much. When I thought about my own marriage I wondered how many signs were there all along the way and I never even stopped to notice. Isn't that how it is? We get so caught up in our own little worlds in our own little routines and we just let life pass us right by. Before you know it, your marriage is in shambles and your children are grown and there you are.

First, if I get enough feedback, I will do a post strictly on warning signs that you should look for in your spouse. If not, I'll just save it for another day. Second, what are you missing? Do you find yourself irritated with your spouse and constantly rehashing things in your mind about everything they are doing or have ever done wrong? Are you always on the prowl when it comes to your children, always talking negative and never lifting them up and encouraging them? I say this from my own experience. There are SO many days I go over and over and over in my head like a bad stinkin' dream what my husband has done to me. All the while I miss all the hard work and effort he is currently putting into our marriage. I'll get so darn caught up in my OWN hurts that I forget how so very grateful I am that we are still together and we did not let the enemy win. I forget that we are NOT just another statistic of divorce. I forget that my daughters saw me tough it out through two of the worst years of their entire existence. They saw us get weary but never quit.

I look back at all the many times my children have been talking to me and I have not really been listening. And not because I was doing anything important at all. But because I was on my phone or watching something on television or on the computer. Now those days, those moments I will NEVER, EVER get back. I think this is where the enemy loves to trip us up. Right here.

But this is where we have to say..."THANK YOU FATHER!!" Thank you for showing me how I can be a better wife, a better mom, a better sister and a better friend. We have to stop right here and start thinking of everything we can possibly think of that we have to be grateful for. And then this is the prime opportunity to start asking God to show you ways you can pay attention. We must pay attention to the awesome things that are right in front of us before they are completely gone.

I hope this post will inspire you to pay attention. I hope you will look around at your life and find some of the wonderful things that are in it and were there all along only you have just missed them. Until now, that is. I pray anyone that is reading this post will find all that they have been missing and more!! That God will bless you abundantly for taking steps to just be better. I pray you will be comforted and encouraged as you pay better attention to everything God starts showing you.

Mindsets

She says....

Maybe it is just me....I don't know, but some days I am just "myself". Other days I am totally not. When I feel like "me" I am just so positive about life and I'm strong and I just feel great like I could conquer the world. Then there are those days where I am just in a funk. There is no other way to describe it. I feel weird. I don't have a positive outlook on anything and everything seems much worse than it actually is.

Yesterday on my way to work I felt great! I had so much peace and was just totally myself. I was confident, happy, excited about life, had nothing but positive thoughts about my husband and just had a fantastic mindset. So I got to thinking about this. I think it is so important to really pay attention to our mindsets. When I realized how great I felt I pondered why I felt like that. I wondered to myself what was different between that moment and the moments when I feel totally rotten. I realized that the very moment I have a thought that doesn't line up with Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" I MUST catch myself with the first few thoughts. If I don't, it is a downward spiral.

But how many times do we not even realize or pay attention to what we are thinking about and in a matter of minutes our thoughts are totally out of control and the course of our entire day is changed. Is it just me? Am I the only one out there that does this??? I believe we all probably struggle with this. Maybe some more than others.

I have spent many months with a few thoughts that I have let settle in my mind. Thoughts about my husband. Thoughts like "I just still can't believe it!", "How could he have done this to me?",  "I don't trust him and I never will", "I am such a fool", and so on and so on. I have been trying to have regular quite time as often as possible. And we have been seeing a wonderful counselor. This week God really convicted me of something. My mindset about all this was totally screwed up. He just showed me how I wasn't even praying for my husband. OUCH!! What a terrible realization! All I could focus on was ME, ME, ME. So all week, I have prayed my heart out for him. And we have had an amazing week. We have progressed SO much.

I don't know who exactly this post is for but be mindful of your thoughts. Pay attention to what your are focusing on and repeating to yourself. Ask God to search YOUR heart and to help YOU. He is so faithful to come to our rescue. If you wait too late and you have already spiraled down in your thoughts, just praise. You cannot worry and be defeated and praise at the same time. Praise God with your everything. It will be hard, no doubt. You may not want to and you may actually by this point want to wallow in your thoughts. Don't let the enemy win here. Start with just naming three things you are grateful for. Put on some worship music. Do what David did and reflect on all the times God has come through for you in the past. Call a friend. PRAY!!!!

Things seem to always appear MUCH worse than they really are. The enemy would love for us to see the worst possible outcome of every situation. But we have a choice. CHOOSE your thoughts, don't let them choose you.

Yes, we're still here

She says...

I apologize for not blogging consistently. Ya know, forgiving my husband was the easy part. Walking out that forgiveness is a whole different ball game. After reeling for weeks on the high of complete and total happiness of the miracle breakthrough we had, reality set in.

The fallout of what had happened is not an easy thing to put into words. Not without falling apart that is. When all this came out early last year I was just starting to comprehend and deal with what all had happened to me with my breast cancer experience. So when this happened that kind of got put on hold while I tried to figure out how to deal with what I was going through.

I am so grateful that my marriage is still intact and my family is still together. But I am not sure I have ever gone through anything harder in my entire life and I've been through a lot. I know God is doing a major work and without my faith, I would be lost.

I ask that you would continue to pray for my entire family as we try to recover from the collateral damage of pornography. I know I will get through this. It is just a long tough road. I am sure that most marriages wouldn't have survived what we have endured and most women probably would have bailed months ago. But that is not the ending I am believing for.

I believe that God will reward my faithfulness. I believe that we will ultimately help many, many couples. Couples who believe it can't get any worse and hear our story and it will give them hope. That is my hope.

He says..........

Yes. Walking out the aftermath is tough. I know my wife struggles with trusting me and for good reason. However it is difficult to see her mistrust and fear and know that I caused it.

But like her, I am believing for a good ending. We love each other deeply regardless of the hurt we have caused one another. And God's grace and strength have allowed us to endure what most would have given up on long ago. Please do pray for us. We look forward to sharing new victories with you soon.

Summer Time Girl

She says...

I grew up in the South and I LOVE the summer. I love everything about it. I love being tan, eating ice cream, going to the pool, having my hair blonder, wearing cute summer outfits, and most especially sandals and FLIP-FLOPS!!!! On the other hand, I have never liked winter time at all. I gain weight during the holidays every year without fail, I can't stand winter clothes, I don't like having to wear a coat at all, I don't like being cold, and I could just go on and on.

SO, when me moved to Georgia, I just dreaded winter. We moved here in April and the closer it got to Halloween I just kept dreading the cold. October came and it was absolutely gorgeous here. So once November rolled around I really kept dreading the inevitable cold weather. Thanksgiving came and went and I just couldn't believe how amazing the weather STILL was. Then came December and there were only 2 maybe 3 days max that it was pretty darn cold. Here it is January 16th and it is still in the upper 50s and low 60s during the day. I was pondering all of this today and I wondered to myself how many times I have dreaded things just knowing they were going to happen and they never did. I wasted all that time dreading the cold and just totally anticipating the worst. I assumed I would freeze for months and would be so miserable all winter long. Since we moved here the weather has been just totally beautiful. I saw a fall season like I have never seen before in my life. The trees were so gorgeous and seeing a beautiful waterfall among them is quite breathtaking.

I realized that with all that has happened the past couple of years but especially in 2011, I had subconsciously been dreading and fearing the worst possible things. Over the past couple of weeks anytime I had a thought that contradicted what God's word said, I would just say "I trust you Jesus, I know you have my back and I know my answers are on their way." Some days and some nights, I had to say this over and over and over. Today, when I realized how much I had been dreading, I changed my thoughts. I started envisioning my marriage being completely restored, I envisioned this year being the best year of my life! I started seeing in my minds eye the big visions God has given me becoming a reality. I started to let it sink in and BELIEVE it!!

I just felt so much peace and comfort. Then I came home and something that we had been praying and believing for for a very long time came to pass! So yeah, I think I'm gonna practice NOT dreading. What are you dreading? Did something come immediately to your mind as you read this post? Well stop dreading it!! Start anticipating what you WANT to happen and stop focusing on what you DON'T want to happen. And I am pretty certain you'll see things in your life start to turn around in the right direction.

Beauty for Ashes

He says...

Trying to move forward from the type of devastation our marriage has endured can be a real challenge. The consequences of your actions are displayed before you quite often. Then come the accusing thoughts that try to cause hopelessness. Then there is the rest of life that doesn't stop just because you don't feel "on top of your game". You battle with wanting to forget the person you were before or perhaps remembering just enough to remind your self to be grateful today versus seeing the ugliness of what you have done and internalizing it to the point you feel you can't possibly be worth anything to anyone ever again.

The feelings range from hopeful to hopeless, grateful to angry, joyful to painful, and many more. You wonder "Will I ever be able to let go of what I have done?, Will they be able to let go of what I have done?", Will this haunt me for the rest of my life?, Don't I deserve it to haunt me for the rest of my life?", and the list goes on and on.

Then there are the prayers that I offer up to heal my marriage. When there is a set back I wonder if God is really going to answer any of my prayers because of what I have done. As you can see there is quite the mental battle going on in my head. And that is just my mental battles. Then think about the battles my wife must go through and add it to mine and you think how does anyone ever recover from this?

But there are shining light moments as well when you all of a sudden understand something you never did before. You might awaken to a habit that unintentionally caused someone else pain or fear. Then you have the power to change it. I wish I could say I have changed everything that I am aware of but I think it might take a long time to change all the habits I want to change.

The big question in my mind is always "are we making progress?" And the answer is usually "yes we are." We do have setbacks and we both process and deal with our emotions quite differently. But we do love each other immensely and we both say it to each other all the time. Men and women communicate very differently and it can become especially challenging when dealing with very sensitive issues. Men think and communicate logically and women think and communicate emotionally. The challenge for men is to forget logic and try to hear the emotions being communicated. The inclination is to say just do this, that and the other, and move on. Marriage can be difficult at times but it is worth all of the difficulty. My wife is worth all of the difficulty. By difficulty I mean wading the emotional waters that we men generally tend to avoid at all costs. This difficulty "came to pass". And it will pass.God will heal and give us beauty for ashes. I am grateful today for that.

In the palm of HIS hands, I find rest 11-20-11

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Kelley says.....

If you have children, do you remember a time when you lost them in a store? You know, they decide to play hide and seek and think it is really funny. Then, you find them and realize they are okay and then you squeeze them so tight as a tear drops from your eye. And at that very moment you grab them by the shoulders and stare them straight in the eye and tell them "Don't you EVER do that again!!!!!!!!" You love them so completely that now that you know they are okay you want to put the fear of God in them!!

Well, I think that is how my feelings towards Deryl are right now. I am so glad he is "back" but sometimes I want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him with all my might and scream at the top of my lungs "Do you have any idea what you have done to this family!!!!!!", "Was it worth it!!!????!!!!????" And all at the same time I completely adore him and want to squeeze him with all my might and scream at the top of my lungs how much I love him.

This is a hard way to live. I know this is yet another "season" of my life but ya know, sometimes I just get seasoned out. I lived for a solid 9 months being unable to really talk to my husband. No matter what I said to him he told me it made him feel bad. Which he should have felt bad, right? But because of his tremendous guilt, I was unable to say anything to him. Literally, I was a single mom. I did everything in my home as though I was single. If anything at all needed done, I did it. I think I was preparing myself to live without Deryl. I would not have divorced him but I felt like we were moments away from him leaving us.

I must say that this is the hardest thing I have ever endured and I feel like I have endured a lot. I know there are people out there who read my blog and probably think I should not be bearing my soul before the world. But this is not YOUR calling. It is mine. I have felt God ask me to do things before to which I turned the other direction. I have felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to give to someone on many occasions to which I did not. God has finally got my attention and I will not be silent. If it is one thing God has confirmed for me over and over and over it is that HE has my back. I know that HE will protect me. One thing a friend kept saying to me throughout this entire year has been "If God be for you, WHO can be against you?" Spoken like a true friend. My mission MUST be fulfilled. MUST BE. I refuse to back down to the world or any naysayers.

Ladies AND men, it is important that we no longer turn a blind eye to pornography and the effects it has on us. I think of it this way, there are many wonderful things we can eat. Here it is the holidays and we will partake of many goodies. But it is our choice how much of it we eat and if we continue to clog our arteries all year and into the next. Men, some women are beautiful, this I know. God made them that way. But so is the sun and yet we cannot look into it. We have to take this seriously.

Ladies, I want you to know if you have gone through this or are currently going through this that you are not alone in your despair. Sometime the wave of emotions overtake me. The waves of mistrust, the wonder of how I will EVER be enough for my husband, the wonder of how every extra ounce of fat on my body must repulse him, the thoughts that come rushing through my head without me even giving them permission each morning when I get ready of how could I do my make up in a better way to look pretty enough for him that he would want only me. The tears that flow out of the depths of my heart and down my cheeks as I look at someone with long beautiful hair and wish it was me. And even worse is how I only feel this way when my husband is next to me.

Around anyone else I feel like the confident woman that I am. I know who I am and I know whose I am. But the moment we are in public together the thoughts start to explode in my head. The thoughts become too many to control. They overtake me and I can only get angry or cry. But yet I do not want to cry. I do not want him, the old him, to have any satisfaction. All the terrible memories come flooding back in my mind and I can't stop them. I remember dates of when he talked with other women like on his way home from work all the way until he pulled into our driveway on our 17th anniversary. Like 16 years ago on our 2nd anniversary and I was beside myself in emotional terror after losing another baby. I had a miscarriage on our anniversary and while I was writhing in emotional pain, he spent the afternoon looking at pornography.

I get the feelings ladies and I know that it just totally sucks big time. I can relate to your pain and I understand it. You my dear friend are not alone. Men, this is the ugly truth of what viewing pornography does to a woman. It hurts, it shreds her heart to pieces. Sometimes I think if he would have murdered me it would have been much easier to bear. Then, I would be in eternity without the pain in my heart that I feel every single day. But that my sweet friend is when I realize that my thoughts surely have overtaken me. I realize that my thoughts are completely out of focus because my I have obviously put my hope back onto Deryl and off of my Lord.

It is the most beautiful feeling when I come to this realization. Because it is then that I sense so strongly that God has his arms outstretched. That he has his palms facing up and my heart lies ever so softly in his loving and gentle hands. That his gaze upon me like a most loving father overtakes me and the thoughts fade. I look upon his face and say "I am so sorry. I am so sorry Lord for taking my eyes off of you". I just look to him and let HIM love me. I let HIM take care of me and he melts my heart like butter. I feel his grace and mercy and down my face flows tears of forgiveness. I see Deryl and I have so much compassion and no anger at all. I see another human being that struggles just like me. I see God with skin on. And I say God make me like that! Let me become you with skin on. Not just to Deryl but to ALL people. PLEASE continue to work on MY heart so I become less and you become more. Search MY heart so I can become more like you!!

I do so hope that you will let God love you. Let HIM show you the way. No matter what your situation, GOD loves you, he adores you. He wants you to put your gaze onto him and off of man. Let him help you. Let him heal you. Because you know what, only He can do it. Some of our hearts are so broken that only God and God alone can make it better. Some of us are at a place of complete brokenness. A place to where we are flat on our face before God. And that is where we will truly find him. If your world seems all but over, God wants to meet you right there. Call on his wonderful name. And I am most confident....VERY, VERY confident that you will find him.

In the Waves of the Aftermath God Gave Me a Waverunner 11-17-11

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I had an experience tonight that I want to share with you. It relates to healing and recovery and restoring relationships. While in my sin I caused a lot of pain to my family. My heart was so hard I had no empathy. I was so selfish I couldn't see from anyone else's point of view. And I was so prideful I felt as if I deserved more. The reality was I had more than I deserved. Thankfully God has changed my heart and I have much more compassion and empathy.

When you betray your spouse the way I did there is going to be an aftermath to deal with. Although Kelley has forgiven me and we are doing well she still has days when she struggles with pain and the thoughts of what I had done. Tonight was one of those nights she was struggling. As men we tend to move past things quickly. Once it is over it is over and it is time for every one to move on. But God didn't wire women that way. My counselor said men are like lines and women are like circles. They will come back around to the pain from time to time.

When that happened tonight rather than react and accuse her of trying to punish me , which was how I had reacted before, God gave me the grace to listen and allow her to tell me about her hurts. I was able to hold her and let her cry and comfort her. Which is amazing because this is the same guy that would watch her cry and asked to be comforted and do nothing at all. So let me assure you it is God and not me. But I am grateful that God is allowing me to help heal the hurt I have caused in my wife. It is no picnic to listen to your wife recount some of the sins you committed that hurt her so badly. But it is part of the consequences of my actions. And although God did not deliver me from them He did deliver me from my self loathing thoughts and angry over reactions. God can take the thing you fear the most and make it less painful and use it to grow you. So far so good. Thanks JC!

Sin slithers 11-16-11

Kelley says...

Let's take a look at the first picture. To me, this represents the lure of sin. There is an apple and there is a snake. Let's use lust as our example. You are at church lets say and you find someone attractive. That is not really a big deal seeing as attractive people are everywhere. But then lets say you find yourself playing Words w/Friends with this person. Well, the game is innocent enough, right? Maybe not so much.

Let's go on to picture two with the snake, the apple and an arm. You have moved from stage one of sin right into stage two. You have gone from the lure of sin to the grip of sin. Now you find yourself thinking about the person ALL the time. You can't get your mind off of them. You find ways to get around them, even if that is at church and around your very own spouse and children.

Onto picture three, the most creepy of all. The wages of sin. The apple looks so organic, so pure, so alluring, so inviting, so polished, so beautiful. How can something so beautiful mean you any harm. You are only looking at the apple, how can that be hurting anyone? You move onto the grip where you have a check in your spirit but you ignore it. It feels too good to look away now. This is when we have given complete permission to the enemy to have his way in our life. We overlook any wisdom we once knew and give totally in to our own selfish needs and desires. This is where we are filled to the brim with pride. If we would really look at the apple at this point for what it really was and if we were to really seek God at this pivotal point, we would see this picture exactly as it is. We would see that the apple wasn't pretty after all. We would see that the enemy was out to steal, kill and completely destroy us!! But by now, we have given over to our selfish needs and have most likely stopped meeting with Jesus. By now, we have compromised in so many areas that it doesn't matter if anyone on the face of this earth showed you on a big screen the third picture, you would still choose to take a bite. Where are you? We are ALL at one of these stages in our lives. With discipline, we can just look at the beauty of an apple and just say to ourselves it is beautiful. But it doesn't take much to get us to stage two. By the time we get to stage three, the enemy has sunk his teeth in deep. Not just into your soul but into the lives of those around you.

I hope no matter what stage you are at in your journey of life right now, that you will get on your face before God and beg him to deliver you. I pray that you will come clean with someone be it your spouse or a dear friend and above all, God himself. I pray for all of you daily. I believe with all of my heart that this post is directly for someone. I have no idea who you are, but God sure does. HE has YOU on his mind. No one happens upon my blog by accident!

Whoever you are, God hears you and is seeking you out to save you, comfort you and deliver you this very moment!!!!

Where is your place? 11-11-11

Where is your place?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=If-H8LQW-hU&feature=youtu.be

Are you overlooking the miracles right in front of you? 11-1-11

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Kelley says....

Okay, I think it is time to share some of the miracles that have happened this year, don't ya think? The first thing that comes to mind is when I discovered that my childhood friend had been arrested multiple times and had used my name. This prevented us from getting a house that was very close to Deryl's job. However, after the initial shock, I just knew in my heart that God allowed that to come up because he had a better house for us and that I would end up getting a job that would require a background check. We now live in the biggest house we have ever lived in and in the nicest area we have ever lived in for CHEAPER than we paid in Texas!

When I first found out about all the identity theft I called an attorney here in Georgia who proceeded to tell me that I would have to hire an attorney in Texas and that this was not going to be any sort of quick process. Basically he told me that getting identity theft cleared up is one of the hardest things to do especially since this was a criminal identity theft. Today, I got a notarized letter from the District Attorney in Texas that totally and completely expunged my name so I have a clean record now....with only GOD as my attorney. This is a miracle indeed!!

I started my new job on Oct 11, my mom's birthday. I cannot begin to put into words how much I love my job. I cannot wait to go to work every day. Actually, my weekends go by so slow now because I am longing to be back at work. I have NEVER felt that way about any job I have ever had. To see firsthand God at work each and every single day of the week is just amazing. My job really has meaning. What I do helps everyone else who works there do their job effectively. Salvation's happens all the time there on a regular basis. There are many more volunteers than there are staff and the volunteers are what is making it happen! These aren't your every day volunteers. These people come in many days a week like clock work each and every single week. They work like it is their real job. They work like it is their own organization and like they are being paid. I am amazed each and every day. They are all so very kind and so giving. I just stay in awe.

So, I found out that not only has a Monday prayer group been praying since early 2011 for the right person to fill my position  literally hundreds of people have been praying for this. During the worst time of my ENTIRE life....God had complete strangers praying for me. This just amazes me. I stay amazed at the goodness of God. To think that he truly has gone before me is so awesome. And what amazes me now is that I know that even now he is going before me for even greater things. My work needed me as much as I needed them and they don't even know it! Wow, we serve such a mighty God.

Secondly, one night during my whole interview process, Deryl and I went to a track to get some exercise. He ran and I walked. When you pull into this place there is a park and a library and a skate park. You drive past all of that down into the very back of the area where there is hardly any lighting and there is a football field and a track. It was just us and one other couple. When I was done, I went and sat in the car. While in Deryl's car I discovered yet another lie he had told me. He came to the car and all hell broke loose. At the same time, he started the car and it wouldn't start! Here we were with no one to call and had no idea what to do. The only other couple there didn't have jumper cables. Deryl wants to get the car started and I want to talk about what in the heck I had just found out.

We decide that we should walk up to the skate park since there were always a ton of people there. Literally, we walked up to 5 different cars which all had men in them by the way and every single one said they didn't have cables. I am sure we didn't look like the most friendly and honest people in the world. Here I was absolutely furious with Deryl and he had just finished a 30 minute run and was all sweaty. For some unknown reason I decide to walk up to a woman's mini-van. When I walked up, I saw in her lap a bible and a Beth Moore study and I knew she was my ticket home. She was so scared as I would have been as well. She barely cracked her window and to make a very long story short, it ends up that we lived about 10 houses from each other and attend the same church!!!! Not only that but she was Rachel's small group youth leader!

Now mind you, I was in the middle of interviewing for my current job. I think I had already had my second interview and was pretty convinced I had the job. So I was starting to get worried about the girls having to take the bus. Well don't you know that God let me become friends with this woman and her children go to the girls same schools. She offered to help us with the girls and had that not all happened at the exact time that it did, I would have never met her! We DO serve an on time GOD!!!!

Let us not forget that just because God doesn't answer our prayers the way WE want him to does not mean that he has not answered. Answers to our prayers are ALL around us. We just have to look for them and sometime get a new perspective. I hope this encourages you to know that it just does NOT matter how things look on the outside. God DOES work ALL THINGS together for HIS good!!!! ALL things, not just the things you can't handle! There are so many more miracles. I will post them as I remember them. I will also do a special post about my job soon. It is just amazing. I can't believe the work they do there. I think it is the world's best kept secret and should no longer be a secret! I want the world to know about the non-profit I work for because God is showing up every single day and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me and many others in the upcoming months!!

Its not all about me? 10-28-11

Friday, October 28, 2011

Deryl says...

Kelley asked me if she could publish the last post. I really appreciated the fact that she asked me. She knows where I am and that I would most likely say yes but it meant something to me that she even bothered to ask. What that tells me is that she cares. And that means more than you could possibly know. She could have easily justified in her own mind publishing all of this without my consent and I would have a hard time arguing.
When you are stuck in habitual sin you grow incredibly selfish and hard hearted very quickly. I am not proud of what I have done this year but what I also know is that it wasn't really me that did all of that. It is a hard concept to explain. If you read chapters 6,7, and 8 in Romans you will get an idea of what I am talking about. But I had become so selfish all I could think about was what about me? What about what I want? I deserve more than I have. All I could see was that others were holding me back or trying to make me feel bad for wanting more. On the surface that might even sound noble, wanting more I mean. But there is a very big problem with this mindset. It narrows your perspective and makes you close minded. You begin to only be able to see from your own point of view. And when you get to that place you can become very mean and cruel. I will give you an example from my own life.

There were several times during this year where Kelley and I were upset with each other. Kelley would be trying to explain how hurt she was and I would get cold and completely shut down. I would think she was just trying to make me feel bad for what I have done. So I would sit there and listen to her and watch her cry and say nothing. I would offer no comfort. All I could do was see what she was trying to do to me. So here is my wife who endured cancer last year. Found out I was looking at pornography after having her breasts removed. Was crying in front of me in obvious emotional pain and all I could do was think about how she was trying to punish me and make me feel bad. As I write this to you and think about what that guy did to my wife I want to punch him in the face. But it is my face and it was my failure. And that is the danger of selfish pride. It will make you into the biggest jerk and most unpleasant person in the world and you will think the problem is with everyone else and not yourself. No matter how many others confront you. It makes you a master deceiver. Not only to others but to your own self as well. "This one time won't hurt.", "Lord, I won't ever do this again.", or "Everyone does it every once in a while." are the lies we tell ourselves to justify our behavior.
To my brothers out there who think that watching porn every once in a while is no big deal. Or thinks that they don't have a problem with it because they only watch it occasionally I would say....You are absolutely right. Your problem is not porn. It is selfish pride. You want what you want. You may think why should I miss out when everyone else is doing it. Again selfish pride. My friend no one owes you anything. You are not as wonderful as you think you are. You have no idea how you are hurting others and yourself. And you don't care because you can't see from another persons perspective. I know this because I have witnessed all of this ugliness in myself. And I ran from it as fast as I could by trying to make myself feel better through many unwise actions.

Kelley's last post is the result of my blindness to the pain of others. There have been many miracles through this but there is still an aftermath of pain and mistrust. And I must accept it. I must allow God to use it to grow me. To help me be less self centered. When I stopped looking at what I was capable of or incapable of I began to see what God wanted me to do I regained hope for the future. Because if this all depended on my skill and ability our relationship would fail miserably.

So my prayer for all of you is that God would strip away all of your selfish pride. It will truly change your life in so many beneficial ways you couldn't count them. I thank God that I am learning all of this while I still have my family with me. I hope you do too.

I wonder 10-28-11

Friday, October 28, 2011

Kelley says...........

When I started this blog, after it became more than a place to update family and friends, I knew I was just going to be myself. As I usually don't care too much what other people think anyway. I wanted to be raw, real, frank, honest, open, anything the holy spirit lead me to say is all I wanted to say. I take this blog VERY seriously. I don't just randomly post things. I give it much thought and a lot of prayer. Sometimes it takes me a few days to write because I won't write unless I feel like God has released me to do so.

Like I said on the video, this might not be the blog for some people. If so, that is fine. Had I not faced cancer as well as almost losing my own life in less than a 12 month period, I don't think it would be near as easy to be obedient to what God is calling me to do. After I posted my video I indeed heard from quite a few people which was very encouraging. But we all know how the enemy works. I started questioning myself. The enemy started whispering in my ear "You are just Kelley McElreath, who do you think you are", "You cannot fight something as big as pornography", You are fighting a losing battle". Deryl helped me to see that I am not in this for the opinions of man, for any accolades, to be patted on the back by anyone, but to be obedient to God. I realize that there are going to be many who do not like me nor my message. Especially the men who are currently involved in this sin and aren't about to give it up.

Last year, I always tried to be positive and encouraging but then there were the days that I just had to tell it like it is. I never want to sugar coat things. I never want you to think I am just this amazing woman who knows how to respond perfectly and never react and am just some incredible Christian. I am far from those things. I am just like you. Please don't ever put me on any pedestal because I will surely let you down.

Today, I want to just be very frank and talk to the ladies who have been hurt by the shrapnel of pornography. You know, the thing that is viewed as "No bid deal", "Not really hurting anyone", etc. I try to keep my head up and be positive and focus on the miracles God has done in my marriage and in Deryl. But let me tell you, there are days. There are days the pain is too great for me. There are days I am in utter despair bawling my eyes out from the pain. This was me yesterday and right now as I write this. Everything within me wants to reach through this screen and give you a big fat hug. The other part wants you to be able to do the same for me.

Unless you are a woman and have experienced this first hand, I am not sure you can really grasp the depths of the pain in a woman's heart after this devastation. Sometimes I think it might have been easier if Deryl would have just had an affair. You know, with one person. At times when the emotions are just totally overwhelming and the memories come flooding in so fast I cannot possibly keep up with them, it is almost too much to carry. In these moments like this moment, all I can do is get my fingers moving on my blog. Sometimes I just repeat the name Jesus over and over and over. Nothing else, just "Jesus".

So many thoughts flood my mind. I feel pain deep within me similar to when I lost my son and my mother. It is indeed a very deep pain. A pain that hurts. A pain that feels terrible. A pain that cannot be put into words and described. When in this place, I wonder to myself how many people he has watched have sex. I wonder how many naked women he has seen. I wonder how many number of women he has chatted with on the computer and if he can even count that high. I wonder just how many have chatted with him on the phone. I wonder if he is telling the truth that he has not had an affair with an actual person. I wonder if I will ever in my life be able to trust in him again. I wonder how long it will be before the time comes when I don't think about what he has done every time we make love. I wonder if there is an end to these tears falling down my face as I type. I wonder if this pain could possibly get any worse. I wonder if this labor will ever end. I wonder if I will ever get over this, I wonder if I will ever be the same. I wonder how I am going to help anyone being such a crying mess right now. I wonder how many times a day he is thinking about someone else. I wonder how he could have done this to me in the worst time of my entire life. I wonder if I can ever, ever compare to the women he has viewed. I WONDER, I WONDER, I WONDER.

You know, there have been many times in my life where I have had a real childlike faith. And each and every single time that I have had that kind of faith, the thing I was believing for did not happen. So the enemy has made me question those things for years. So of course when God put the visions in me that I talked about in my video I wondered if this was going to be another one of those times. I discussed all of this with Deryl. He went to work shortly after and text me to tell me I needed to read Oswald Chambers for that day. Here is what Oswald said at the ending of that days entry...

"When looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say - What wonderfully astute wisdom they had! How perfectly they understood all God wanted! The astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God's wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God."

I have a devotional that a dear friend gave to me when I was diagnosed. On October 11th of this year, I opened it and have not moved one day beyond it since. Because I know it is something God wants me to claim daily right now. This is that devotion...

THE FRONT LINE

You are not called to follow others, My beloved Warrior. I have appointed you to lead them to Me. Life will become a great adventure if you will step out to the front line and fight for those who are too weak to fight for themselves. Don't look back on what you have lost; look forward to the great victories that are in front of you. You don't have to hide behind your fears and insecurities any longer. I can and will turn your pain into passion to change the world around you. As you find your way to the front line, hide this truth in your heart: "This fight is not just for you; it is for all those you love dearly." 

And you know, I can truly say I love all of you with all of my heart. Even those I do not know. I may not know you but I can sure relate to your pain. That, we have in common. I know this post might not be one of my most encouraging posts but this is the reality of the devastation pornography brings to a persons life. And this is only one small piece. We haven't even begun to touch how it affects the rest of the family, friends or the man himself, his job and his health. 

I guess I just want to end with this...sometimes all we can do is just cry out to Jesus. Sometimes, all we can do is just whisper his name. Sometimes God will give us encouragement through his word or through a simple devotion. Whatever he gives you, grab onto it and don't let go. Because that is what will see you through. 

Please continue to pray for us. I ask you to pray that God heals me of this great pain. That through my pain, HE will be made greater and I will become less. I appreciate your faithfulness to pray for my family.

My tragedy has revealed my destiny 10-24-11

Monday, October 24, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0Yof1GIizs&feature=plcp&context=C393e5e9UDOEgsToPDskKMuUMc-xBlhAiJsJX_-U1H

"Different, but better" 10-21-11

Friday, October 21, 2011

Kelley says.......

When I found out about what Deryl had been doing back in February, as you can imagine, I was in shock. I was completely devastated. From the very day that I called my sister and told her what was going on she told me that she knew how bad it was and what it looked like but in her spirit she saw Deryl and I married. She said she knew God had a calling on our lives and that God hasn't changed his mind. Each and every single time, she would claim this, speak this over me.

One of the things she told Deryl and then told me later was that God was going to work this all out and that it was going to be "Different, but better" Okay, great.....that is just wonderful I thought to myself. I don't like different but better. I didn't even like the sound of it. All I could think of was well, what in the world does different exactly mean? I'm sick of different and it doesn't seem better.

Let me explain. When she said this all I could think of was the following...

• I lost my breasts and now they are all scarred up and far from perfect......yeah, I don't think I like different, but better.

• When I lost my hair it grew back and now I at least have hair.......yeah, still not liking different, but better.

• I got to get chemo and reduce my chance of a recurrence but I STILL have lingering side effects.....different, but better?

• I left Texas and all my breast cancer support team.....DIFFERENT, BUT BETTER???????

I think you get the drift. I do NOT like different but better!! But after I was done thinking totally negative about this, I went back through my life and came up with the following...

• My boobs may be scarred and they might not look like what I anticipated but I AM ALIVE!!!!
• My hair was indeed long, thick and very pretty before cancer but now I wear it in a style I NEVER would have worn when I was the person I was before my cancer journey! And I get more compliments on it now than I ever in my life have had on my hair.
• Chemo side effects just suck. No one should have to go through these things. But again, I AM ALIVE!!!! AND, it helps others know I am not perfect. For a very long time, because of my determination to do well at all I do, I would come across as "perfect" to others. This always broke my heart because if only they could know the life I have had and got to know "me" as a person, they would know differently. Now that I can't always think of words or phrases that anyone else can or I totally misunderstand a simple instruction, God has shown me that people get to see right away my imperfections which takes away from what has happened in the past. What a blessing!
• I had three amazing support groups in Texas. I didn't think I would ever find a group here. The first one I went to here was all older women and not one was my age. But the second one I found was AMAZING. I was immediately drawn to these two women and the group was huge. After the group they BOTH came up to me and told me they felt a God connection to me and wanted my contact info!! I have become very good friends with one of them. The other one was one of 11 people in the entire world that had her kind of cancer. I knew the moment I heard her story she was going to die. I felt it in my spirit. We went to lunch together and shared our testimonies. I told her my whole testimony, something I have only told to maybe 2 people, EVER. She didn't judge me for one second. Then she needed a ride home after group one night and I got to spend a while talking to her. The next 3 weeks I wanted to go visit her and we were going to get together but each week something happened. One week, she had to go have fluid taken off her abdomen, the next week was the same thing, the next week she was hospitalized. She did come home towards the end of last week but she wasn't replying to my texts or FB messages. She was an admin assistant like myself and I knew it just wasn't like her to not get back with me. I called and left her a voice mail telling her I was really starting to get worried about her and to please call me. Finally, I decided I couldn't take it any longer so I drove to her house. I got about half way there and a number shows up on my phone that I did not recognize. If I don't recognize it, I don't answer. But something told me to answer it. I did and it was her husband calling to tell me she passed away Wednesday. 

 You may wonder how something like the last one could be different, but better. But this woman was amazing. She knew she wasn't going to make it. I never ONCE heard her complain. She cried a lot because she did worry about her husband and boys. But she was at complete peace with whatever God's will was. She would post FB statuses like "Lord, please take away this pain but I am so very blessed regardless". And she meant it! Her name was Angel and I truly wonder if she wasn't really one of those "Angel's in disguise" you can read about in the bible. Anyway, when her husband called me he went on and on about how much Angel thought of me and how much I meant to her. That meant the world to me because my heart is to touch the lives of many, many women. The fact that God allowed me, Kelley McElreath, to take part of some joy in the life of this precious lady amazes me and humbles me.

Now on to Deryl. Most of this year when I thought about that phrase "Different, but better" when it came to my marriage I just couldn't picture it. Deryl and I have always had a near perfect marriage. I don't think we had ever in our marriage had fights like we have had this year. Our kid's had actually never in their entire lives seen us fight. I can't tell you how many couple's came to us just to be near us because they longed to have a marriage like ours. I actually had a MINISTER tell me that if my children had never seen us fight then we just needed to learn how to fight!!!! WHAT?!?!? What terrible advice. God has blessed me with a wonderful, wonderful man. And just because others fight like crazy in their marriage does not make mine wrong!! I had to hold onto the Deryl I married. The Deryl I knew and loved even when I couldn't stand the sight of him. I HAD to force myself to see him through God's eyes and this was not always easy. But I KNEW what kind of marriage we had and I KNEW we were obviously meant to do great and mighty things for God's kingdom or the enemy wouldn't be so persistent in trying to take us down.

Now that we are finally on the other side of all our marital trials, Deryl is a better husband than I ever knew him to be. And I have always thought he was absolutely the most wonderful husband in the world!! But now he makes time to pray, meditate and get in the word every single morning. I see the fruits of all the prayers and fasting that was done on his behalf. It is beautiful, it is amazing, it is simply wonderful. I thank God every day that he had me in a place where I was financially unable to leave him. Yes, things are "Different but boy they are SO much better"

When you find yourself down, ask yourself what is "Different, but Better" in your life?

Less is more 10-17-11

Monday, October 17, 2011

Deryl says........

After my last post I thought I might never post again. Because I have started writing every post not really knowing what I was going to write. Then when I finish and go back read what I just wrote I say to God "you really want me to say that to every one?". And so far He keeps saying yes. I am wondering to myself what He is going to ask of me next. Kelley asks me when I am going to post next and I find myself thinking I am not sure I am ready for that yet. Next she says we should video blog and I am thinking in my head noooooooo! There is a slightly greater feeling of anonymity by just writing. To say the things God is moving on my heart on video is even more frightening. But I know at some point it is going to happen. I know it will because I am afraid to do it.


Some people have thanked me for my honesty and transparency. But I am here to remind you that the only reason I am doing it is because God is requiring it of me at the moment as a result of my former deceit and lack of transparency. And I really do hope what I write helps someone. But I know that God is asking me to do it because it will help me overcome the habitual sins of my past. What I want you to know is that what I write is very uncomfortable for me. It has always been important for me to look good in the eyes of others. And to be honest I still feel the compulsion to spin the things that I have done in a way that makes them and me look not quite so bad. But the reality, if I look at it objectively, is that it was really bad. I behaved very badly and I hurt those closest to me and caused suffering on top of great suffering and it was all very unnecessary.

As I seek God and study more and simply look back at myself and my behavior I am convinced of one thing. Porn was not my biggest problem. It was a symptom of a greater problem. Like a deep cough is a symptom of the flu. Although the cough may be the most annoying part of the flu the true danger is what is happening that is not visible on the outside. My biggest problem is pride and selfishness. I can't tell you yet all of the ways it has manifested in my life but the most common is spinning every thing to make myself look good. The other is comparing myself to a religious person and thinking I am better and smarter than they are and more open minded. Thinking that I deserve anything at all. It's not that I think that God doesn't want to bless me. I do. But to think that God owes me anything when I am ungrateful for what He has already given me. That is selfish pride. There are moments when you are at the temptation phase before you have fallen. And you have a choice to run from temptation or step into the sin. Too many times I have willfully chosen poorly. I was fully aware of what I was doing and thinking I don't want to do this yet at the same time wanting to. I had no root in spiritual maturity. I had too much me and not enough God so I had no power to say no to the temptation. But there was a part of me that didn't want to say no. And that is because in my flesh I was prideful and selfish. Were there evil spiritual influences? Yes. But it was also the worldly part of me that was so easily influenced. That is the part that must die. We must crucify the prideful self. It must become less and Christ must become more.

Let me ask you a simple question. Would you give up a vacation just because God asked you too? No reason, but just because He asked. Would you give up tv for a year? What about air conditioning for a month? Could you do it without complaining about it? I couldn't. And I am not sure I could now. But I know there are people suffering in this area in a way I can't even comprehend. If the things above were the greatest problems in their life it would be 1000 times better than it is now for them. So pray for me. That I would always be grateful. That I would be more interested in compassion for others than comfort for myself. That my selfish pride would be stripped from me forever. I will do it for you.