Inquiring minds want to know...

Well, I guess after several questions as to if we are still "okay" I should probably blog. I wish I had more time to blog. Keeping up with two blogs, a ministry and a full time job and a family is a lot! All that while trying to "work" on your marriage is hard. Seriously hard.

I haven't blogged honestly because I have been in too much emotional pain to do so. The effects of what happened to me 2010 - 2011 had a much greater impact than anyone will ever know. EVER. EVER. EVER. It is sad to me to think of how many other survivors are going through the same thing. So traumatic. So....life altering. But yet when I imagine what other guys think of my husband for what he did, I imagine that they justify their own "addiction" by saying to themselves "well I would NEVER do THAT to my wife". Hmmmm.....I wonder how many just read that and have thought the exact same things. Interesting thought.

I'm doing better. I can't even begin to describe how awesome our counselor is. Just....AWESOME. He like lives inside my head and my spouses as well. He knows exactly what both of us are thinking about any given situation. My big brother is THE only man in my entire life that has not let me down BIG. I've had someone who I honestly considered a very good friend walk totally out of my life and never speak to me AGAIN. Not even talk to me about the situation....not even once. Totally abandoned me and our friendship. Yeah, obviously, I am still not over it.

I can't really say a whole lot as to why the hubs isn't blogging. Just trying to work out stuff I guess. I know he wants to be much further on the other side of this before he tries to help anyone else. Which I completely get. I mean someone who was paying for prostitutes just three months ago actually wanted to help us. I'm sure you can all imagine my reaction. Especially those of you who know me personally!! Yeah, NOT GOOD.So I get it. I do. He'll blog when he is ready and that is fine by me.

But you know me...I have a LOT on my heart. And I KNOW God wants me to share it. With all the tragedies that have happened in my life, I have not one time given up on God. Not once. I get angry with God and I tell him all about it. But I would never turn my back on him. I'll serve God until the day I die. Anyone who knows me knows this is how I feel. I also know that somehow and some way, I will be the beginning to the ending of pornography. I know that wasn't just a thought in my head. I serve a great BIG GOD and I have no idea what he has in store for my life. NONE. But I know it can't be to harm me. It may just be me and my rambling and my heart for others that sparks someone else to make a huge difference. Regardless, I will for sure make a difference and I'll live my life continuing to do so.

But here is the funny thing...within the past 3- 4 months, three different people have come to me who are actually questioning THEIR faith because of MY story. HUH???? Well, I can honestly say I never expected that one!! They all said the same thing to me and mind you not one of them knows the other. They said they look at my life and how I have consistently served God and always call on him and trust in him yet look at what he has obviously "allowed" to happen to me....his faithful servant and they just don't get it. I agree that God has allowed all of it. Because nothing happens to me without it passing through his hands first.

I was asked since I love God so incredibly much if I ever felt like he ever loved me back. WOW! I immediately answered that no, I don't always feel loved back. Sometimes I don't even "feel" like he is there at all. Then came the question..."You have been so faithful to God, how has he been faithful to YOU!?!? I actually sat in silence for a minute as something HUGE rose on the inside of me. I sat up tall and I started listing right and left all the amazing ways God has been so faithful to me. As each thing came back to my memory I could hear myself getting a little louder and more confident and oh how I felt God's love at that moment. I felt more loved by God than I have felt in a long, long time. And this particular person actually said that because of that conversation, it gave them hope.

Isn't that awesome? God can turn ANYTHING he chooses around for good and he WILL. I believe it. I have to.