Yes, we're still here

She says...

I apologize for not blogging consistently. Ya know, forgiving my husband was the easy part. Walking out that forgiveness is a whole different ball game. After reeling for weeks on the high of complete and total happiness of the miracle breakthrough we had, reality set in.

The fallout of what had happened is not an easy thing to put into words. Not without falling apart that is. When all this came out early last year I was just starting to comprehend and deal with what all had happened to me with my breast cancer experience. So when this happened that kind of got put on hold while I tried to figure out how to deal with what I was going through.

I am so grateful that my marriage is still intact and my family is still together. But I am not sure I have ever gone through anything harder in my entire life and I've been through a lot. I know God is doing a major work and without my faith, I would be lost.

I ask that you would continue to pray for my entire family as we try to recover from the collateral damage of pornography. I know I will get through this. It is just a long tough road. I am sure that most marriages wouldn't have survived what we have endured and most women probably would have bailed months ago. But that is not the ending I am believing for.

I believe that God will reward my faithfulness. I believe that we will ultimately help many, many couples. Couples who believe it can't get any worse and hear our story and it will give them hope. That is my hope.

He says..........

Yes. Walking out the aftermath is tough. I know my wife struggles with trusting me and for good reason. However it is difficult to see her mistrust and fear and know that I caused it.

But like her, I am believing for a good ending. We love each other deeply regardless of the hurt we have caused one another. And God's grace and strength have allowed us to endure what most would have given up on long ago. Please do pray for us. We look forward to sharing new victories with you soon.

Summer Time Girl

She says...

I grew up in the South and I LOVE the summer. I love everything about it. I love being tan, eating ice cream, going to the pool, having my hair blonder, wearing cute summer outfits, and most especially sandals and FLIP-FLOPS!!!! On the other hand, I have never liked winter time at all. I gain weight during the holidays every year without fail, I can't stand winter clothes, I don't like having to wear a coat at all, I don't like being cold, and I could just go on and on.

SO, when me moved to Georgia, I just dreaded winter. We moved here in April and the closer it got to Halloween I just kept dreading the cold. October came and it was absolutely gorgeous here. So once November rolled around I really kept dreading the inevitable cold weather. Thanksgiving came and went and I just couldn't believe how amazing the weather STILL was. Then came December and there were only 2 maybe 3 days max that it was pretty darn cold. Here it is January 16th and it is still in the upper 50s and low 60s during the day. I was pondering all of this today and I wondered to myself how many times I have dreaded things just knowing they were going to happen and they never did. I wasted all that time dreading the cold and just totally anticipating the worst. I assumed I would freeze for months and would be so miserable all winter long. Since we moved here the weather has been just totally beautiful. I saw a fall season like I have never seen before in my life. The trees were so gorgeous and seeing a beautiful waterfall among them is quite breathtaking.

I realized that with all that has happened the past couple of years but especially in 2011, I had subconsciously been dreading and fearing the worst possible things. Over the past couple of weeks anytime I had a thought that contradicted what God's word said, I would just say "I trust you Jesus, I know you have my back and I know my answers are on their way." Some days and some nights, I had to say this over and over and over. Today, when I realized how much I had been dreading, I changed my thoughts. I started envisioning my marriage being completely restored, I envisioned this year being the best year of my life! I started seeing in my minds eye the big visions God has given me becoming a reality. I started to let it sink in and BELIEVE it!!

I just felt so much peace and comfort. Then I came home and something that we had been praying and believing for for a very long time came to pass! So yeah, I think I'm gonna practice NOT dreading. What are you dreading? Did something come immediately to your mind as you read this post? Well stop dreading it!! Start anticipating what you WANT to happen and stop focusing on what you DON'T want to happen. And I am pretty certain you'll see things in your life start to turn around in the right direction.

Beauty for Ashes

He says...

Trying to move forward from the type of devastation our marriage has endured can be a real challenge. The consequences of your actions are displayed before you quite often. Then come the accusing thoughts that try to cause hopelessness. Then there is the rest of life that doesn't stop just because you don't feel "on top of your game". You battle with wanting to forget the person you were before or perhaps remembering just enough to remind your self to be grateful today versus seeing the ugliness of what you have done and internalizing it to the point you feel you can't possibly be worth anything to anyone ever again.

The feelings range from hopeful to hopeless, grateful to angry, joyful to painful, and many more. You wonder "Will I ever be able to let go of what I have done?, Will they be able to let go of what I have done?", Will this haunt me for the rest of my life?, Don't I deserve it to haunt me for the rest of my life?", and the list goes on and on.

Then there are the prayers that I offer up to heal my marriage. When there is a set back I wonder if God is really going to answer any of my prayers because of what I have done. As you can see there is quite the mental battle going on in my head. And that is just my mental battles. Then think about the battles my wife must go through and add it to mine and you think how does anyone ever recover from this?

But there are shining light moments as well when you all of a sudden understand something you never did before. You might awaken to a habit that unintentionally caused someone else pain or fear. Then you have the power to change it. I wish I could say I have changed everything that I am aware of but I think it might take a long time to change all the habits I want to change.

The big question in my mind is always "are we making progress?" And the answer is usually "yes we are." We do have setbacks and we both process and deal with our emotions quite differently. But we do love each other immensely and we both say it to each other all the time. Men and women communicate very differently and it can become especially challenging when dealing with very sensitive issues. Men think and communicate logically and women think and communicate emotionally. The challenge for men is to forget logic and try to hear the emotions being communicated. The inclination is to say just do this, that and the other, and move on. Marriage can be difficult at times but it is worth all of the difficulty. My wife is worth all of the difficulty. By difficulty I mean wading the emotional waters that we men generally tend to avoid at all costs. This difficulty "came to pass". And it will pass.God will heal and give us beauty for ashes. I am grateful today for that.

In the palm of HIS hands, I find rest 11-20-11

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Kelley says.....

If you have children, do you remember a time when you lost them in a store? You know, they decide to play hide and seek and think it is really funny. Then, you find them and realize they are okay and then you squeeze them so tight as a tear drops from your eye. And at that very moment you grab them by the shoulders and stare them straight in the eye and tell them "Don't you EVER do that again!!!!!!!!" You love them so completely that now that you know they are okay you want to put the fear of God in them!!

Well, I think that is how my feelings towards Deryl are right now. I am so glad he is "back" but sometimes I want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him with all my might and scream at the top of my lungs "Do you have any idea what you have done to this family!!!!!!", "Was it worth it!!!????!!!!????" And all at the same time I completely adore him and want to squeeze him with all my might and scream at the top of my lungs how much I love him.

This is a hard way to live. I know this is yet another "season" of my life but ya know, sometimes I just get seasoned out. I lived for a solid 9 months being unable to really talk to my husband. No matter what I said to him he told me it made him feel bad. Which he should have felt bad, right? But because of his tremendous guilt, I was unable to say anything to him. Literally, I was a single mom. I did everything in my home as though I was single. If anything at all needed done, I did it. I think I was preparing myself to live without Deryl. I would not have divorced him but I felt like we were moments away from him leaving us.

I must say that this is the hardest thing I have ever endured and I feel like I have endured a lot. I know there are people out there who read my blog and probably think I should not be bearing my soul before the world. But this is not YOUR calling. It is mine. I have felt God ask me to do things before to which I turned the other direction. I have felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to give to someone on many occasions to which I did not. God has finally got my attention and I will not be silent. If it is one thing God has confirmed for me over and over and over it is that HE has my back. I know that HE will protect me. One thing a friend kept saying to me throughout this entire year has been "If God be for you, WHO can be against you?" Spoken like a true friend. My mission MUST be fulfilled. MUST BE. I refuse to back down to the world or any naysayers.

Ladies AND men, it is important that we no longer turn a blind eye to pornography and the effects it has on us. I think of it this way, there are many wonderful things we can eat. Here it is the holidays and we will partake of many goodies. But it is our choice how much of it we eat and if we continue to clog our arteries all year and into the next. Men, some women are beautiful, this I know. God made them that way. But so is the sun and yet we cannot look into it. We have to take this seriously.

Ladies, I want you to know if you have gone through this or are currently going through this that you are not alone in your despair. Sometime the wave of emotions overtake me. The waves of mistrust, the wonder of how I will EVER be enough for my husband, the wonder of how every extra ounce of fat on my body must repulse him, the thoughts that come rushing through my head without me even giving them permission each morning when I get ready of how could I do my make up in a better way to look pretty enough for him that he would want only me. The tears that flow out of the depths of my heart and down my cheeks as I look at someone with long beautiful hair and wish it was me. And even worse is how I only feel this way when my husband is next to me.

Around anyone else I feel like the confident woman that I am. I know who I am and I know whose I am. But the moment we are in public together the thoughts start to explode in my head. The thoughts become too many to control. They overtake me and I can only get angry or cry. But yet I do not want to cry. I do not want him, the old him, to have any satisfaction. All the terrible memories come flooding back in my mind and I can't stop them. I remember dates of when he talked with other women like on his way home from work all the way until he pulled into our driveway on our 17th anniversary. Like 16 years ago on our 2nd anniversary and I was beside myself in emotional terror after losing another baby. I had a miscarriage on our anniversary and while I was writhing in emotional pain, he spent the afternoon looking at pornography.

I get the feelings ladies and I know that it just totally sucks big time. I can relate to your pain and I understand it. You my dear friend are not alone. Men, this is the ugly truth of what viewing pornography does to a woman. It hurts, it shreds her heart to pieces. Sometimes I think if he would have murdered me it would have been much easier to bear. Then, I would be in eternity without the pain in my heart that I feel every single day. But that my sweet friend is when I realize that my thoughts surely have overtaken me. I realize that my thoughts are completely out of focus because my I have obviously put my hope back onto Deryl and off of my Lord.

It is the most beautiful feeling when I come to this realization. Because it is then that I sense so strongly that God has his arms outstretched. That he has his palms facing up and my heart lies ever so softly in his loving and gentle hands. That his gaze upon me like a most loving father overtakes me and the thoughts fade. I look upon his face and say "I am so sorry. I am so sorry Lord for taking my eyes off of you". I just look to him and let HIM love me. I let HIM take care of me and he melts my heart like butter. I feel his grace and mercy and down my face flows tears of forgiveness. I see Deryl and I have so much compassion and no anger at all. I see another human being that struggles just like me. I see God with skin on. And I say God make me like that! Let me become you with skin on. Not just to Deryl but to ALL people. PLEASE continue to work on MY heart so I become less and you become more. Search MY heart so I can become more like you!!

I do so hope that you will let God love you. Let HIM show you the way. No matter what your situation, GOD loves you, he adores you. He wants you to put your gaze onto him and off of man. Let him help you. Let him heal you. Because you know what, only He can do it. Some of our hearts are so broken that only God and God alone can make it better. Some of us are at a place of complete brokenness. A place to where we are flat on our face before God. And that is where we will truly find him. If your world seems all but over, God wants to meet you right there. Call on his wonderful name. And I am most confident....VERY, VERY confident that you will find him.

In the Waves of the Aftermath God Gave Me a Waverunner 11-17-11

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I had an experience tonight that I want to share with you. It relates to healing and recovery and restoring relationships. While in my sin I caused a lot of pain to my family. My heart was so hard I had no empathy. I was so selfish I couldn't see from anyone else's point of view. And I was so prideful I felt as if I deserved more. The reality was I had more than I deserved. Thankfully God has changed my heart and I have much more compassion and empathy.

When you betray your spouse the way I did there is going to be an aftermath to deal with. Although Kelley has forgiven me and we are doing well she still has days when she struggles with pain and the thoughts of what I had done. Tonight was one of those nights she was struggling. As men we tend to move past things quickly. Once it is over it is over and it is time for every one to move on. But God didn't wire women that way. My counselor said men are like lines and women are like circles. They will come back around to the pain from time to time.

When that happened tonight rather than react and accuse her of trying to punish me , which was how I had reacted before, God gave me the grace to listen and allow her to tell me about her hurts. I was able to hold her and let her cry and comfort her. Which is amazing because this is the same guy that would watch her cry and asked to be comforted and do nothing at all. So let me assure you it is God and not me. But I am grateful that God is allowing me to help heal the hurt I have caused in my wife. It is no picnic to listen to your wife recount some of the sins you committed that hurt her so badly. But it is part of the consequences of my actions. And although God did not deliver me from them He did deliver me from my self loathing thoughts and angry over reactions. God can take the thing you fear the most and make it less painful and use it to grow you. So far so good. Thanks JC!

Sin slithers 11-16-11

Kelley says...

Let's take a look at the first picture. To me, this represents the lure of sin. There is an apple and there is a snake. Let's use lust as our example. You are at church lets say and you find someone attractive. That is not really a big deal seeing as attractive people are everywhere. But then lets say you find yourself playing Words w/Friends with this person. Well, the game is innocent enough, right? Maybe not so much.

Let's go on to picture two with the snake, the apple and an arm. You have moved from stage one of sin right into stage two. You have gone from the lure of sin to the grip of sin. Now you find yourself thinking about the person ALL the time. You can't get your mind off of them. You find ways to get around them, even if that is at church and around your very own spouse and children.

Onto picture three, the most creepy of all. The wages of sin. The apple looks so organic, so pure, so alluring, so inviting, so polished, so beautiful. How can something so beautiful mean you any harm. You are only looking at the apple, how can that be hurting anyone? You move onto the grip where you have a check in your spirit but you ignore it. It feels too good to look away now. This is when we have given complete permission to the enemy to have his way in our life. We overlook any wisdom we once knew and give totally in to our own selfish needs and desires. This is where we are filled to the brim with pride. If we would really look at the apple at this point for what it really was and if we were to really seek God at this pivotal point, we would see this picture exactly as it is. We would see that the apple wasn't pretty after all. We would see that the enemy was out to steal, kill and completely destroy us!! But by now, we have given over to our selfish needs and have most likely stopped meeting with Jesus. By now, we have compromised in so many areas that it doesn't matter if anyone on the face of this earth showed you on a big screen the third picture, you would still choose to take a bite. Where are you? We are ALL at one of these stages in our lives. With discipline, we can just look at the beauty of an apple and just say to ourselves it is beautiful. But it doesn't take much to get us to stage two. By the time we get to stage three, the enemy has sunk his teeth in deep. Not just into your soul but into the lives of those around you.

I hope no matter what stage you are at in your journey of life right now, that you will get on your face before God and beg him to deliver you. I pray that you will come clean with someone be it your spouse or a dear friend and above all, God himself. I pray for all of you daily. I believe with all of my heart that this post is directly for someone. I have no idea who you are, but God sure does. HE has YOU on his mind. No one happens upon my blog by accident!

Whoever you are, God hears you and is seeking you out to save you, comfort you and deliver you this very moment!!!!

Where is your place? 11-11-11

Where is your place?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=If-H8LQW-hU&feature=youtu.be